Parental Alienation
September 1, 2018
In the 1980s, psychiatrist Dr. Richard A. Gardner coined the term “Parental Alienation Syndrome,” to describe what happens to a child when one parent attempts to turn that child against the other parent. According to Dr. Gardner:
Inducing PAS in a child is a form of emotional abuse. In a way, it may be even more detrimental than physically and/or sexually abusing a child. Although both of these forms of abuse are abominations, they do not necessarily—although they certainly may—cause lifelong psychiatric problems. Many who were subjected to physical abuse in childhood outgrow the pains and humiliations they suffered. And this is also the case for sexual abuse, although the effects may be more deep-seated. The indoctrination of a PAS in a child, however, brings about destruction of the bond between the child and the targeted parent that is likely to be lifelong in duration.[i]
In recent literature, Parental Alienation Syndrome has also been defined as
[T]he unhealthy coalition between a narcissistic parent and his or her children against the targeted, non-narcissistic, non-abusive parent. The innocent or targeted parent receives hostility and rejection from his or her children in this system. The psychological health of the children is used as arsenal in the narcissist’s twisted world.[ii]
Though PAS is not medically or legally recognized as an official disorder, many in the psychological and legal communities have noted the caustic effects brainwashing a child against one of his or her parents has on the child. PAS has been described both as emotional abuse, as well as a covert type of narcissistic abuse.
The first time I heard the term was watching a rerun of a Dateline special a few months ago, where the investigative reporter focused on a family in which the mother had done so much to turn her two daughters against their father, including falsely accusing him of physically abusing her, that she convinced them they needed to be taken away to live with strangers in a remote location in hiding. The investigative reporter revealed that the mother made the whole thing up out of her own anger towards her ex-husband because of the divorce. In that particular case, the father was reunited with his daughters, but he confessed the road home to reestablishing a healthy relationship between he and his children was not easy, and they still had a way to go even a couple of years after being reunited.
When I watched that special I realized that was exactly what happened to Sam, but instead of the ex-wife spearheading the effort, it was his own father. But, I wondered, because I had never heard of it before, “is alienation by a grandparent a thing?” And, apparently, it is. In fact, a quick search for “parent alienation syndrome caused by grandparents” yields a wealth of results on the topic. In one article, for example, Dr. Reena Sommer, Ph.D., explains:
There are times when the grandparents become the alienators. In these situations, there is usually longstanding dysfunction in the relationship between them and their son or daughter causing distrust, resentment and animosity. Often times, the alienation is directed toward their son/daughter as well as his/her spouse.
She notes that with alienating grandparents, “the tactics are typically much more caustic and often involve false allegations of physical or sexual abuse.” She also observes that, “in these cases, the objective is to immediately stop contact with [the] other parent (or parents) and the best way to do that is with a complaint to a child protective agency.”[iii]
But back when Sam got hit by a speeding car while on an afternoon bike ride, he had never heard of PAS. And when Sam was released from the hospital after the crash with a broken neck and a broken brain, it did not occur to him that he would have to worry about his own family turning his son against him. Why would it? Despite the dysfunction in his home growing up, Sam still believed in his heart that family is supposed to be there for each other, through thick and thin, no matter what. And, when he survived the crash that should have killed him and woke up to find his estranged father back in his life, Sam wanted to believe that maybe the crash was just a way for the universe to bring he and the old man back together; that it was destiny. After all, that’s what people would tell him, as though Sam was suddenly a character in a Hallmark movie – you know, the one where the estranged old man and his adult son make up and live happily ever after? That’s not how this one played out, though. Not even close.
According to experts, when a grandparent alienates a grandchild from his/her son/daughter, there is usually “longstanding dysfunction” in the relationship between the alienating grandparent and his/her son/daughter. To say there was a longstanding dysfunction in the relationship between Sam and the old man would be an understatement. Previous posts have touched on some of the history between the two, as well as several of the old man’s deeply engrained character flaws that largely caused the dysfunction. Though to anyone’s knowledge he has never been diagnosed as such, in Sam’s opinion and experience, his old man was a narcissistic ego-maniacal misogynist who could not maintain any healthy relationships in his adult life, could not be faithful for any meaningful length of time to anyone he was romantically involved with, and who also cheated in business and stole innocent people’s money. On top of all of this, Sam was the one person who wasn’t a co-conspirator, but who knew a lot about the old man’s dirty laundry, from philandering on his spouses with escorts to running pump and dump schemes defrauding the investing public.
Shed in that light, it may not be that surprising that the old man resorted to classic and caustic tactics to destroy Sam’s relationship with his only son, Brady. As though reading from a textbook on PAS, the old man pulled all of the classic stunts. He started by showing Brady in so many ways that Sam was not someone worth respecting. He then escalated to using Sam’s brain injury against Sam as a reason for justifying keeping Sam away from Brady.
But let’s talk specifics. Here is what actually happened:
I mentioned in a previous post that by month 14 after the crash, Sam had reached his limits with Brady’s behavior. Brady had been acting out in various ways ever since his biological mother had come back into the picture. Within weeks of beginning visitation with her after nearly a year of having not seen her at all, Brady went from happy and well-adjusted to moody, disrespectful, and dishonest. Coincident with spending time with his mother were regular weekly visits with the old man. While Brady was moody when he would come home from visiting his mother, he was downright hateful after spending time with the old man.
Suddenly, the sweet loving boy who clamored for his dad’s attention, who only wanted to spend time with him and his stepmom, who asked for them to tuck him in at night, and who told them he loved them every time they parted, was hatefully screaming very adult-themed accusations, criticizing their relationship, and even accusing Sam of essentially faking his own injury, of having “always” been “this way,” referring to Sam’s symptoms that were very clearly tied to his traumatic brain injury. Significantly, no one had ever accused Sam of being anything other than an incredible father before his crash. Brady had only had love and devotion for Sam and Sam for him, and everyone who knew them consistently praised them both for their relationship. These statements were not Brady’s, that much was clear. It was as though Brady had become the mouthpiece for an adult who really hated Sam and who really hated Sam’s wife. But who?
At this point, it would have been easy to conclude one of two things was going on – either Brady’s conduct was a byproduct of teenage growing pains, exacerbated by his mother having never been a steady presence in his life, and suddenly facing having a “stepmom” and having to “share” his dad with this new woman; or Brady was being influenced by his mother, who was known to be vengeful and negative towards Sam. But two facts cut against those theories. First, Brady got along really well with his stepmom and even when there would be an argument, she was the one who was most often able to reach him and talk through to resolution. Second, Brady had known from a very early age, as early as four, that his mother was more likely than not to say negative things about Sam, about Brady’s home, and even about Brady’s dog. She had a particularly vengeful personality that she did not bother to conceal from her son. Brady had also pieced together from a very early age that his mother had no interest in being a mother. Within that context, while it is probably true that Sam and his wife were the subject of plenty of negative comments over at Brady’s mother’s house, Brady had long ago learned how not to be bamboozled by the negative things his mother would say. As sad as it is, the truth is that Brady was used to hearing his mother speak ill of his father and it never swayed him from his love and respect for Sam before. No, there was another influence at play here, and that was evident by the very different and adult-sounding statements Brady was suddenly bringing home. Sam felt it the first time he heard one of Brady’s hateful statements. There was only one person who would have ever said the specific types of hateful things to him that Brady said, and that was Sam’s old man.
But again, at the time, Sam was fighting for his life within his brain and in those days Sam’s ability to communicate clearly was heavily affected. Though he knew and felt that the old man was not to be trusted, because of the brain injury, he could not find ways to talk about it without coming off as paranoid. He tried, but this was another example of how his brain injury hijacked Sam’s life. And, frankly, no one Sam would have talked to wanted to believe that the old man could really be as cruel and hateful as we now know he is.
Knowing what we know now about Parental Alienation Syndrome, the tactics the old man used are so obvious. Looking back it is so easy to see how the old man worked to undermine the relationship between Sam and his only son with an ultimate objective of destroying Sam. The tactics began as soon as Sam was released from the hospital after the crash and have continued ever since. The facts, when laid out in black and white, speak for themselves:
1. Immediately After The Crash: the old man “helps” by having Brady at his condo for several weeks. The structured schedule and rules Sam had spent years instilling in his home immediately are replaced with a free-for-all vacation-type environment, where video games and movies are the mainstay and Brady goes from having daily exercise to sitting in the old man’s condo during all his spare time. The old man allows Brady to buy a laptop that Sam is told is for purposes of doing homework, but the old man allows Brady to use it to play hours upon hours of videogames. The old man was so busy trying to be the “cool grandpa” and doing things his way, he may or may not have noticed that he was directly responsible for enabling Brady to develop textbook signs of videogame addiction. Regardless, the larger lesson the old man taught Brady during these crucial times was that he did not respect Sam’s parenting and neither should Brady.
2. A Few Months After The Crash – Summer Court I: the old man goes to court with Sam to testify against Brady’s mother and tells Sam that he really should try to have Brady’s mother’s parental rights terminated. The old man goes so far as to say he would finance that effort if only he had the money to hire the right big name lawyer to do so.
3. Mediation Following Summer Court I: The old man accompanies Sam and his wife to mediation where Sam agrees to reduce Brady’s mother’s child support obligations and agrees to standard visitation being imposed.
Around this same time, the old man offers to start taking Brady to martial arts once a week, to “help out.”
4. Within Weeks of Weekly Visits with The Old Man: Brady has his first outburst directed at Sam in front of the old man. In front of Brady, the old man acts as though Sam was in the wrong and as though Brady is being victimized.
5. Within Weeks of Brady’s first outburst in front of the old man, Sam has a classic brain injury reaction after hearing Brady yelling at his stepmom. The old man continues to see Brady on a nearly weekly basis and continues to bring Brady back home. No one accuses Sam of being abusive. The old man and Catherine (Sam’s mother) claim to understand and say they will help by talking to Brady about brain injury and about how the family needs to help Sam during his recovery.
6. Month 14 After the Crash – Sam Starts Spilling Secrets – Sam has had more than he can handle with Brady. On top of lying and blatant disrespect, Brady had begun acting as though he was trying to bait Sam into having a meltdown. One such event was Brady calling Sam from Brady’s mother’s house to tell Sam that Brady’s stepfather had just shown him how to shave—a classic father son activity that Sam and Brady had planned for together ever since Brady was a small child. This type of act was a classic Brady’s mother move, and was something she had done ever since Brady was small—used whatever man she was sleeping with at the time to try and play dad with Brady, with the exclusive motive of getting under Sam’s skin. Before the crash, Sam would have been upset, but he would have dealt with it; now with a brain injury, it was just too much. At about the same time, Sam also discovered that Brady was again lying about what he was using his cell phone for. This also coincided with the crushing hopelessness Sam felt after learning insurance would not cover the specialized treatment for TBI they had discovered just the month before.
The stress for Sam was too much. It was as though something else had broken inside his brain, causing an avalanche of emotions and, because of his injury, texts. But these texts were different than any texts Sam had ever sent before. This time Sam was not only saying things he never would have said before the crash, he was spilling secrets he never would have spilled.
One of these secrets was that Brady’s mother cheated on Sam with at least two different men during the year before they divorced. Though he had pictures of her with each of these men, pictures she had boldly posted on her MySpace page when she was still married to Sam, pictures that had date stamps proving when they were taken, and pictures that definitively proved that she was with other men while still married to Sam, the only person Sam had ever shown those pictures was his divorce lawyer, and that was about 8 years before the crash. Now with a brain injury and having been pushed beyond his limits, Sam spilled that secret in glorious fashion—he sent the pictures to Brady’s mother’s current husband with comments indicating that Brady’s mother had problems with maintaining fidelity with her husbands and he might want to watch out for her.
By the next morning, Catherine and the old man learn about Sam’s texts. Given that Sam had never even met Brady’s mother’s current husband, or had any communication with him, the fact that Sam texted the guy in that way sends alarming signals to both of them.
7. Sam Asks for Help – Knowing he could not handle the stress, Sam sends a group text to Catherine and the old man, asking for help. Catherine stays silent while the old man says “no judgment” and agrees to takes Brady.
Brady does not want to go to the old man’s, and he and Sam exchange harsh words.
Saying things that one would not ordinarily say, particularly under stress, is a textbook symptom of traumatic brain injury. Being unable to control impulses is another. Sam displays typical brain injury symptoms that intensified because he had been pushed beyond his limits. No one, however, accuses Sam of being abusive.
Within days, and knowing Brady was grounded from his phone because he had abused his phone privileges, the old man buys Brady a new phone, directly undermining Sam’s rules. The old man never gives Brady’s number to Sam and, in fact, never tells Sam he bought the phone. Apparently, Brady lost the phone not long after, and his mother bought him another phone. Again, no one gives Brady’s number to Sam and when Sam asks Catherine for it, she refuses.
For the next few weeks, Sam tries to stay connected with Brady through the old man, having no other way to reach him. The old man becomes more and more evasive. Again, no one accuses Sam of being abusive.
8. Month 15 – Sam Tries to Bring Brady Home – Sam challenges the old man, calls him out for not maintaining open communication, and demands that Brady come home. The old man tells Sam he needs to be “hospitalized,” refuses to bring Brady home, and cuts off communication with Sam from that point forward. That was the last the old man ever said to Sam. To this day, the old man still has not said a word to him.
The stress of being attacked in this way by the very person who was supposed to be helping Sam with his son pushed Sam beyond his limits. With the brain injury floodgates blasted wide open, Sam starts sending a number of angry text messages. In some of the texts, Sam threatens to report the old man to the Securities and Exchange Commission for the pump and dump scheme he ran with Darrell. Sam shares details the old man did not know Sam knew before, and makes very clear that Sam knew enough information to help put the old man away if only Sam were to tell the authorities.
The following day, the old man keeps Brady out of school to keep Brady away from Sam. Why? Because the night before Sam sent the old man angry text messages after the old man became hostile and refused to return Sam’s son to him.
The same day the old man goes to see a lawyer who tells him he does not have a leg to stand on.
The old man hides Brady and has his doorman lie to the police, who go there to find Brady for Sam, and then drives Brady over to Brady’s mother’s house that night. This was the same woman the old man had insisted should have her parental rights terminated the year before.
That week the old man also files charges with Child Protective Services, falsely accusing Sam of being a child abuser. Three days later CPS contacts Sam to tell him they are closing the file because they know the old man’s charges are baseless and that what was going on here was a dispute between a grandfather and his adult son. (False allegations of child abuse with child protective services agencies is a classic tactic used by parental alienators.)
9. Month 16 or 17 - "Summer Court II" – Brady’s mother seeks a temporary restraining order to keep Sam from seeing Brady, based on false accusations of child abuse made by the old man. Her “evidence” consists of an affidavit from her where she complains of (1) Sam having sent her text messages with photographs of her and two of the men she cheated on Sam with; (2) Brady having been kept out of school because his grandpa was receiving angry text messages from his dad; and (3) a completely false allegation that the old man had witnessed a “physical fight” and “altercation” between Sam and Brady, with the stepmom “egging it on” and that that was why he had taken Brady from his home. To be clear, the “evidence” on number 3 was Brady’s mother saying she had heard from the old man that the old man removed Brady from home due to a physical fight. But there was no such physical fight and Sam is the one who contacted the old man, asking him to take Brady because Brady was out of control. In fact, when the old man came to pick up Brady, Sam was nowhere in sight.
Notably, instead of the attorney Brady’s mother used the year before, who was located within a five minute drive of her house and 45 minutes away from where the old man lived, the attorneys Brady’s mother hired for this proceeding were within a two minute drive of the old man’s house. When Sam learns of this he knows the old man has clearly paid for these new and expensive attorneys.
10. Month 18 – Sam and his wife move to a place out in the country hundreds of miles away. Sam’s doctors had been consistently telling them from the beginning that he needed to have as little stress as possible for his brain to heal. What the old man had done to Sam was enough to kill him and most certainly was the opposite of what doctors had in mind for Sam. Fortunately, Sam and his wife were able to find a way to live in a peaceful place where the pace of life could be slower and there could be less stress. This was the only thing that would end up saving Sam’s life, particularly in the face of what Sam’s own family had done to him and Brady.
Before moving, Sam does everything he can to contact Brady so that Brady could come back home. Because everyone refused to give Brady’s number to Sam and Sam’s brain injury would not allow him to go over to Brady’s mother’s house, this meant Sam could only send emails. He received no response.
11. Month 19 – Sam hears from Brady for the first time in months. Brady uses Sam’s mother’s cell phone to call Sam even though he has his own phone. The reason, he says, is that he is scared to use his own phone because his mother has been tracking his use and has forbidden him from having any contact with Sam. He and Sam have a tearful conversation where Brady admits to Sam that he is being coached by his mother and the old man to say that Sam is an “unfit parent.” Brady wanted to be back with Sam, that much was clear from the conversation. The two then begin emailing each other and reestablishing their relationship. Brady warns Sam, however, that no one could know they were emailing each other and that if Sam told anyone, he would never talk to Sam again. The pressure Brady was under to make that kind of a statement to his father, who had raised him, is unimaginable.
12. Month 20 - Sam files testimony and evidence with the court prior to trial. He includes evidence showing the allegations of abuse were false and thoroughly explaining what really happened. Sam also explains to the court why he could not appear at trial due to his brain injury. Among the supporting evidence, Sam includes emails from Brady to show that Brady was not abused, that this entire charade was about revenge by the old man and Brady’s mother against Sam, and that it was in Brady’s best interest to be back home with Sam.
Next, Brady emails Sam, scolding Sam for having put his emails “on public record.” Brady was apparently being punished for reaching out to his father. Brady was also blocked from seeing his grandmother again, because she allowed him to use her phone to call Sam. It was clear from the tone and the words Brady used, that the adults surrounding Brady had him convinced that Sam had done something wrong by telling the court the truth.
Brady cuts off communication with Sam at this point.
13. Month 21 or 22 – Sam learns that trial was held and that he is being ordered, for the first time in Brady’s life, to pay child support.
Trial was in the same court that had presided over the parties in every single proceeding since the divorce, and had consistently found Brady’s mother to be delinquent in one way or another. The summer before, when Brady’s mother was trying to reduce her child support obligations, this same court found Brady’s mother’s parenting skills to be so questionable that the court insisted Brady be transitioned into gradual visitation rather than jumping right into standard visitation. Sam had hopes the court would look at the history and the actual evidence and issue a reasonable ruling. However, there had been an election cycle since the previous summer, and this year a new judge was sitting on the bench.
Typically in cases involving a child, an amicus is appointed to guard the best interests of the child. And, in fact, the previous summer, when the only questions were Brady’s mother’s child support payments and visitation schedule, the court appointed an amicus.
Now, one year later, when the issue is taking that same child from the only custodial home he has ever known his entire life and changing custody over to the non-custodial parent who has a long history of court-documented bad parenting, the same court (new judge) chooses not to appoint an amicus to guard the child’s best interests.
So, somehow, with no amicus, and without considering any of the testimony and supporting exhibits Sam filed showing that Brady’s mother’s allegations were not true and/or had nothing to do with Brady’s best interests, the new judge orders Brady to be taken away from his father and to live with his mother, who has never been able to or interested in being his custodial parent before.
14. Month 23 – Brady emails Sam for the first time since he cut off communication in Month 20. He tells Sam that Sam was right about him belonging home with Sam, says his mother is “F***ING CRAZY,” and tells Sam she has taken away everything from him, including any access to Sam’s mother. Most importantly, Brady tells Sam he has been so miserable that he has already tried to run away once and had to be brought home by the police because his mother refused to pick him up, and that he has had thoughts of harming himself. On Sam’s watch, Brady was a well-adjusted honor roll student who played multiple instruments, was happy, and was well on his way to a good life. At his mother’s he’s become a depressed kid who runs away and thinks of hurting himself. It’s clear to see already the effect of the family court ignoring the best interests of this child.
Not knowing what else to do, Sam texts his mother for help. He asks her to please go check on Brady. She refuses and says that she has not been allowed to talk to Brady ever since Sam used Brady’s emails in court—in other words, to Catherine it was Sam’s fault that she had been cut off from Brady. It does not even occur to her that if she had not enabled the old man to take Brady to Brady’s mother’s house in the first place, they would not be having this conversation.
Sam also ends up texting the old man. Heartbroken over what has and will become of his son, Sam feels incredible anger towards the old man for causing all of this to happen. And, lacking a filter due to his brain injury, Sam’s texts say things he would not have said before the crash. The reality, however, is that Sam lost his son because of his father—that would be upsetting to anyone, brain injury or not. But, because of his brain injury, Sam was unable to defend himself the way he would have before the crash. The only thing Sam could do was send text messages. If he could have done any more to fight for his son, he would have. But, as is the case with many people with traumatic brain injury, doing what he would have done before the crash simply was not an option.
Among Sam’s texts messages to the old man are more threats about reporting the old man’s criminal conduct to the SEC. Now the texts are more intense and include more details that Sam has uncovered since the old man took his son.
Next, Sam receives an email from Brady. This time Brady angrily tells Sam, as though Sam were his child, “I told you not to tell anyone I emailed you,” and again he cuts off communication. Two things were clear from this email. First, Brady’s mother was again punishing Brady for reaching out to his father, just like she did the last time Sam heard from Brady. Second, instead of helping Sam and Brady, Catherine reached out to the old man, who then turned around and warned Brady’s mother that Brady had been in contact with Sam again.
Next, Sam gets served with papers—this time from the old man. Now the old man is seeking a temporary restraining order against Sam. Sam had not told anyone his new address, which meant the old man had to go to some effort to find Sam—something he had not bothered to try and do before. Two days after Christmas, Sam gets served by local authorities in the new town near where Sam now was trying to live in peaceful anonymity. Without question, this was a way to try and silence Sam. This time the old man falsely accuses Sam of having committed “family violence” against the old man. Again, Sam has not seen the old man in over a year and a half by this point, lives hundreds of miles away, does not drive due to his brain injury, and has only left the property twice since moving. Of course, the old man knows he hasn’t seen Sam, that Sam lives hundreds of miles away, and that Sam does not drive anymore because of his brain injury. This latest move was not about the old man being afraid for his safety; it was all about silencing Sam. Once the old man learned from Catherine that Brady reached out to Sam, he knew he had to do something to keep them from reconnecting. The old man knew that if Brady actually talked to Sam, Sam would tell Brady the truth and would be able to get his son back. The old man also knew that if Sam got his strength about him, he might actually go to the SEC and report the old man for his pump and dump schemes.
So, the old man pulled a 1-2 punch. He tattled on Brady to Brady’s mother—that would silence Brady—and he abused the legal system (again) to shame Sam into silence.
Since then, Brady has not emailed Sam again, nor has he answered a single of Sam’s emails to him.
It has been a year and a half since the last time Sam saw his son and more than 8 months since Brady’s last email. To this day, Sam has never been given Brady’s telephone number and has no way of contacting Brady other than by sending emails, which Brady may or may not receive. So, there is no way to know exactly how Brady is doing. But we know he lost his dad because of a vengeful grandfather who joined forces with his even more vengeful and sociopath mother to intentionally destroy the only parental relationship he ever knew. That cannot be good for him or his future. We aren’t talking about a part-time dad who only saw his kid every other weekend. We aren’t even talking about a joint custody situation. In the State of Texas according to the 2010 census, only 5% of fathers are sole custodial parents—Sam was one of that 5%. Sam raised Brady on his own from the time Brady was four years old, and everyone who knew them knew Sam was an excellent father. So the effects of going from living with and spending all his spare time with his father to having absolutely no contact with him cannot be overstated.
I close this post with a couple questions: If it is in a child’s best interests to maintain regular visitation with a non-custodial parent who is in prison, so as not to completely lose the relationship with that parent, how can it be in a child’s best interests to have his father who raised him completely erased from his life, all because the father got hit by a car and ended up with an injured brain? Wouldn’t common sense tell you something else is going on here?
[i] Gardner, Richard A. , Parental Alienation Syndrome (2nd Edition), (June 1999), available at http://themenscentre.ca/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Parental-Alienation-Syndrom-2nd-ed..pdf
[ii] Stines, Sharie, “Childrean with Attachment Based Narcissistic ‘Parental Alienation Syndrome’, available at https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2016/06/children-with-narcissistic-parental-alienation-syndrome/
[iii] Sommer, Reena, “It’s Not Just Parents Who Are The Alienators: Two Others Who Engage in Parental Alienation,” available at http://blog.custodytrialconsultants.com/2012/08/parental-alienation-not-just-parents-who-alienate-.html